This is a cross post from my other side, where I do most of my writing. But then I realized… what goes better together than music and cults? Peanut butter and jelly?
America, we have a situation. We are at a turning point, and it looks like this. I need a cult, and you need a cult leader. Like every proper cult, please allow me to convince you why – with spurious facts and promises I’ll never deliver on.
Why do I need a cult? Because in sixth grade I overheard a school counselor tell the principal he had a messiah complex. I was sitting with the Dalai Lama on the beach in Barthelona sharing tapas and Trump came on the TV at the bar. I says to the Lama “Man, is that a messiah complex, or what?”. He says to me “Gunga. Gunga Galunga”. It was then I knew I was chosen.
Why do you need a cult (leader)? Jesus, just look at yourself! You really going to go out looking like that? Is this all you have done with your life? What if I can promise you eternal life, eternal salvation, AND… a heated swimming pool?! Yeah, suck on that one, Scientology!
Ok… why join my cult? Let’s be open. Let’s talk about the common urban myths around cults, and what value our culture brings.
I will not fuck your wife 1
I will not stop you from fucking your wife 2
I will not believe I am god 3
Take all of your money 4
I will not excommunicate you from your friends and family 5
Not going to kill ANYONE 6
I mean… probably.
Free Haircuts! and prolly robes, too.
I will never beat you. I abhor violence, and even the sight of blood. I can have a crushing sharp and snarky wit… but that will just toughen you up.
We will have a heated swimming pool. Yeah! What is better than eternal salvation? Or a personal relationship with lord god christ zenu (aka… me)? I’ll tell you what is better… a heated swimming pool! Does your cult have one? Didn’t think so.
NOTES AND DISCLAIMERS. YOU SHOULD PROLLY PRINT THIS OUT AND READ IT BEFORE YOU SIGN. NO LAWYERS, THOUGH. JESUS, YOU CAN’T FIGURE THIS OUT YOURSELF? YOU NEED A LAWYER TO READ THIS TO YOU… LIKE A LITTLE BABY? DO YOU HAVE A LAWYER READ THE APPLE CONTRACT TO YOU WHEN YOU GET A NEW PHONE? HUH? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF? JESUS CHRIST, FOR ONCE STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND JOIN THE CULT! WHAT… YOU GONNA GO ASK YOUR MOMMY FOR PERMISSION NOW?
NO WONDER WHY YOU NEED A CULT!
1 – IF YOU ARE SO LOWLY AND OF SUCH LOW SELF ESTEEM YOU NEED A CULT… WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD YOU LUCK YOURSELF INTO? NOT MUCH. ANYONE WILLING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU IS NO ONE I WANT EVER NEAR MY JUNK. REMEMBER WHAT GROUCHO SAID WHEN TURNING DOWN THE THE INVITATION TO THE FRYER’S CLUB? IT’S GENIUS. HE SAID “I WILL NOT BE A MEMBER OF ANY ORGANIZATION THAT WOULD HAVE SOMEONE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER!”
2 – SERIOUSLY, I AM NOT TAKING YOUR WIFE AWAY. I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND SATISFIED. TELL YOU WHAT – YOU TWO CAN EVEN HAVE SEX IN THE HEATED POOL! I DON’T CARE. GO CRAZY! IT’S YOUR CULT, TOO… TAKE SOME OWNERSHIP
3 – I’M NO GOD. BUT, L AM THE CLOSEST YOU ARE GOING TO GET TO ONE. I HAVE TWO DIVINITIES. TWO. ONE FROM THE ‘UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH’, AND ONE FROM THE ‘CHURCH OF UNIVERSAL SPIRITUALISM’. GOOGLE IT, THESE ARE ACTUAL THINGS. I DON’T THINK THEY LET ANYONE IN. LIKE… YOU PROLLY WOULDN’T MAKE THE CUT. THERE IS A SERIOUS VETTING AND BACKGROUND CHECK FOR THE ULC. YOU HAVE HAVE A NAME, BE ABLE TO TYPE THAT NAME… AND HIT SUBMIT. SEE, I LOST YOU RIGHT AROUND STEP TWO, DIDN’T IT?
4 – IF I TOOK ALL OF YOUR MONEY, YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE ME. THAT IS JUST BAD BUSINESS. ONCE YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE ME… WHAT’S LEFT? I’LL TELL YA – I BANG YOUR WIFE WHILE MY GOONS TAKE YOU TO THE ‘TRAIN STATION’.
5 – BUT… I CERTAINLY EXPECT YOU TO. SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU… THOSE ‘LOVED’ ONES. THEY JUST LET YOU JOIN A CULT! WHAT KIND OF FAMILY LETS A LOVED ONE JOIN A CULT? NO WONDER WHY YOU ARE SUCH A MESS. OF COURSE YOU WILL LEAVE THEM. FIRST, THOUGH… WE NEED THEIR MONEY. SO PLAY COOL.
6 – MY PROMISE TO NOT GO ALL JONESTOWN ON YOU IS THAT ITS JUST BAD BUSINESS. MY CULT IS NOT A SHORT TERM ‘END DAYS’ TYPE THING. OH NO, I PLAN TO RIDE THIS TO THE LENGTHY END. IF YOU WERE DEAD, HOW COULD I TAKE YOUR MONEY? HOW COULD I BANG YOUR WIFE? I DON’T WANT THAT WIDOW ACTION, TOO MUCH CRYING.
7- HOW HIRING FOR GOONS
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