Let me wrap my head around this

See this guy?

This guy is a big celebrity. This guy has a record deal. Kanye West invites this guy to his parties. This guy is Farnsworth Bentley. I knew that name before today, I am embarrased to. When you know as much about music as I do, you know that P Diddy has a guy in his employ that does nothing but follow P Diddy with an umbrella around. Farnswoth Bentley is P Diddy's umbrella guy. I bet you didn't know there was something such as an 'umbrella guy'. There wasn't, that is what makes it an interesting story.

Farnswoth was popular as a sub faux celeb. I say sub faux because P Diddy is the uber faux celeb. We'll get to that in a minute. The news came down today, and I wanted you to hear it from me... Farnsworth's new disc is coming out soon.


The umbrella guy gets a record deal? First off, what exactly has P Diddy done except be a full time celebrity? To quote Triumph the Insult Comic Dog "P Diddy, are you around still? I didn't know wearing a suit was a skill'. Well spoken, Triumph. Somehow, P Diddy got crazy rich befriending Christopher 'Biggie Smalls'. Unflinchingly, I question his real friendship or motive of Wallace. I do this because Puffy has yet to co-operate with authorities on the killing of Wallace. The case is pretty much solved on the page, but without principles like Diddy's testimony... it will go unprosecuted. Know who told me that? Biggie's mom, Violetta Wallace (through the pages of Rolling Stone).

So, fuck Puffy. That being said, how does one get a record deal being an umbrella guy? More importantly, why is this the LEAD story on VH1 today? I got your headline here, America. unindicted co-conspirator Sean Combs offers record deal to man-servant Bentley in exchange for hushing up about who knows what. In honor of Black History Month, the LAPD and the IRS are looking into the tax consequences of having a man servant... and are certainly unsure of the employment title 'umbrella guy'.

So guess what? I want my record deal! My name is Smothers Dingleberry, and I personally tend to the anal cavities of sir David Hasslehoff and his man servant Kiki. I have been doing trivial and valueless work all of my life, and it is my turn.


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