to save Michael Jackson

You may have heard that Michael Jackson is looking to make a comeback. This is true. His initial recent plan was to do a residency show in Vegas, a la Celine Dion. Problem is, they offered him one tenth of what he was hoping for. I have some ideas for Michael's comeback. It is remarkably simple, and not different from what I would have suggested before the last molestation trial. My advice is this:


Firstly, stop being so weird. I mean that in total and complete seriousness. Stop being so weird. Stop wearing those outfits immediately. Wear what every single other American wears... blue jeans and a t shirt. Nothing else, this is non negotiable. Second, stop shopping. Seriously, not even a can of milk. You are spending millions a day and have lost ALL of your assets. He has even lost the Beatle's catalogue because he owes so much money from shopping. I am sure you have 4 of 5 really great houses. Stop being weird.


Stop showing up at places with monkeys and midgets and other people's kids. Stop it. Stop speaking for yourself, seriously. Every time you open your mouth you make yourself look like an ass. Get a press agent, for christsakes. Got it? No more outfits, no more talking, no more shopping.


So what is left? To show people how you got great, and you do that Elvis style. Study his comeback show from Hawaii. He got rid of all the silliness, the outfits, and the shopping too. He showed up with a leather jacket and a guitar player. He cranked out his hits. No frills, no effects, no string section, nothing. People loved him for it, because the hubris gone. So what Michael needs to do is show up with a minimalist stage set up. Have two or three musicians TOPS. Then, sing your hits. Sing your hits. Don't even dance, not one step. Don't even stand up. Just sit there and sing your heart out to your hits. That is all he needs to do to be a worldwide beloved rock star again.


I mean, look at that guy up top. That isn't a noseless childmoster. That is the guy who recorded Thriller, the third best selling album of all time. That is the king of pop! That is the guy who invented the moonwalk, and re-invented the concept of the music video.


We forgave Richard Nixon, who did to the constitution what you do to little boys... we can forgive. Just stop being so goddamn weird.