The Eddie Van Halen saga

You probably know now, Eddie Van Halen is in rehab. He won't say for what, just to 'better himself'. Ok, I already made my point on the whole rehab fad here. What this story does offer me is some closure on the Van Halen roller coaster of the last twenty or so years. I feel invested in this band, as 1984 was my first cassette. It was the first piece of music that I selected, purchased, and owned totally on my own (was around 12 years old at the time). So, I feel a connection and have followed the drama since then.


After 1984, Roth left. We know Roth left because he was an ego maniacal douche bag. Ed told us so, and it really wasn't tough to believe. Enter Sammy. I was cynical as all y'all, but I remember the day I heard 'dreams' on the radio and was blown away. Yes, I am one of those who absolutely prefers the 'Van Hagar' years. I think the song writing is better, and I just can't tolerate Roth as a human being.


Then, Sammy left. We know Sammy left because he was an ego maniacal douche bag. Ed told us so, and it was a little bit tough to believe. I am going to skip the whole Gary Cherone phase. Then, Van Halen did nothing for about ten or fifteen years (seemed like it). So, musicians like to play music and bassist Michael Anthony did some jamming and gigging with Sammy's band. Then, there was a re-union with Sammy.


They tried a re-union with Dave but do you remember that whole MTV VMA live fiasco? It was true, Dave was a douche. So they toured with Sammy. It was supposed to be a world tour, but Ed couldn't deal with Sammy for that long (even though they traveled on seperate jets and buses). So, the tour was truncated because Sammy was a douche. Ed told us so.


So, this summer re-union number 3 or 4 comes up and Michael Anthony has been replaced. I can only assume it is because Ed thinks he is a douche. Know why? He fired Anthony for jamming with Sammy. Basically, it was a 'you're dead to me, now' gesture. Then, Ed replaces life long bassist and vocalist Anthony with his own kid.... and calls off the re-union tour. Keep in mind at this point, the only people left in the band are people Ed can't fire... his family.


Oh, during this time, the exquisitely hot Valerie Bertinelli divorced Ed... but that is probably because she was a douche bag too. So, Ed has fired or lost everyone who was ever close to him. We also know that with only a greatest hits album accomplished in the last ten or fifteen years that all members or ex members are forbidden from playing with anyone. Attention Sammy, Roth, and Michael Anthony - even if there is no more Van Halen and hasn't been one for the last ten years, you are to wait for Ed's call and practice with no one. Anything more will be seem as a betrayal and will have you kicked off the next aborted re-union tour that wasn't going to happen anyway.


Ok, I have made my point about Ed. Here is where the story gets juicy. Van Halen is going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Monday night. Almost all of the principles have said at various points they will be there. What is so totally excellent about the Hall is that every member of the band over the years is invited. Yeah, can you see what a car crash this is going to be? Well, it was. Now it looks like Ed has an out. Am I saying that Eddie Van Halen checked into rehab just to avoid a career ending incident like whatever was about to happen on Monday night? Yeah. I don't think he is above it, and to drop out just three days before the event to me seems totally selfish.

Now they will all be sincere and say things like 'get well, Ed', 'We miss you, brother' and 'It isn't the same without you here' from all his fired bandmates.


Ed, if you are reading this. Show up Monday night. Be gracious and appreciative. Make nice with all the band members and remember how fortunate you are. Then, go back to whatever is you aren't currently working on.


Wow, that was some mean shit. Sorry, it had to be said.