Van Halen needs a Singer

It looks like Van Halen is broken up again.  Ed will say no, but they just canceled 2 world tours.  Venues were booked, security deposits were paid.  Do you know what this does to the sphincter of the insurance companies who underwrote these tours?  Look at it this way – right now, booking a Van Halen tour is a bigger risk than booking Guns & Roses.  Guns & Roses are actually more likely to show up than Eddie and crew.  Scary.

So, we need to find Eddie another singer.  Historically, it’s quite chartable.  Eddie hires you, loves you, fires you, and then says you quit.  Then, ten years later, you tearfully reunite and claim bygones.  This will last, tops, one tour.  Eddie called the turnover ‘LSD’.  Lead Singer Disease.  Ok, we could see that with Roth for sure.  However, I have literally never heard an unkind word spoken about Sammy.  We won’t even touch the unspeakable and unexplained firing of Michael Anthony for basically siding with Team Sammy.

So, who is available?  Who can put up with Ed’s stuff, and has a decent enough career of their own to fall back on when Ed fires you for being a dick and then telling the world you quit (because you were a dick).

1)    Kid Rock – talented, can play every instrument.  Has an impressive work ethic, and is  mildly talented as a singer.  Perfect personality for arena rock.  History of Drug and alcohol problems?  undetermined!

2)    Gary Cherone – just kidding

3)    Vince Neil – Motley Crue has broken up again.  They won’t say that in so many words, just that this tour is their “last for a long time” and Vince is “pursuing other avenues”.  Plus, the great Mick Mars has looked like death for about ten years now. History of Drug and alcohol problems?  Check!

4)    Chad Kroeger – that’s the guy from Nickelback.  Everyone claims they hate Nickelback (myself included), but they are selling millions and selling out arenas.  He seems douche and narcissistic enough to make it in Van Halen.  Side note:  I literally use Nickelback as a barometer of whether this conversation should continue at a party.  Elitist?  Sure, but life is too short to be otherwise. History of Drug and alcohol problems?  Probably, but I refuse to research it.

5)    Scott Stapp – self righteous asshole.  Loves arena rock, and is still very pretty.  Likely to have a few meltdowns on stage, which makes great press.  I am liking this one. History of Drug and alcohol problems?  Check!

6)    Scott Weiland – same as above, but better singer with better songs. History of Drug and alcohol problems?  Check!

7)    David Lee Roth – why not.  He isn’t working, everyone loves him.  He is a consummate showman, and I think we have learned he isn’t such a bad guy at all.  A little shallow and vapid, but that makes for great rock stars.  History of Drug and alcohol problems?  Check!