Blues 101
If you've ever enjoyed Blues music, you need to understand its
fundamental rules.
Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
ditch... ain't no way out.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place
that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not
the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the Blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.
* this is not me. I don't write this well. This is lifted off the internet, but was so good I needed to communicate it to you.
fundamental rules.
Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
ditch... ain't no way out.
Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place
that don't get rain.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not
the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the Blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues.
* this is not me. I don't write this well. This is lifted off the internet, but was so good I needed to communicate it to you.
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